Older Women Dating Younger Men: Are They Breaking the Rules or Making New Ones?
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Older Women Dating Younger Men: Are They Breaking the Rules or Making New Ones?

Complications for older women dating younger men Reason to date younger men Reasons not to date younger men

In April of 2009, the magazine Psychology Today ran an article on older women dating younger men, and Cyndi Targosz wrote a book called, Dating the Younger Man: Guide to Every Woman’s Sweetest Indulgence. Lately we are seeing more and more of it happening. I wrote an article years ago on this very topic.

Since time began we are used to younger women dating older men, it has always been the way of the world. Psychologists and sociologists agree that women choose mates for upward mobility. Since the beginning of time, one of the priorities of women was to look for a marriage partner. Times have change and some women no longer look for marriage while many of them still want to have babies. Then there are others who just want a man to donate his sperm for the purpose of procreation. Yet, again there are some women who prefer not to have children at all.

However, from a biological and historical perspective traditionally younger women courted older men and not the other way around. There was a biological component to the reasons why women do this. It comes down to survival of the fittest. Women want the best possible mates to take on the responsibility of marriage and child rearing.

Traditionally women married much younger than they do today, even in America a hundred or two hundred years ago, girls as young a 12 and sometimes less were married off. It just would not make any sense for a young girl of 12 to marry a boy of 10, or 12, 13 or 14 for that matter. He had nothing, he was not established in any profession and he certainly didn’t have anything to offer her. In those days tracing back to ancient history, young girls or women married a much older man who was well established in his profession, had a business or a practice and she was assured, actually her father was assured, that she would live a good life in comfort and style. In those earlier times, when women were property of their families they did not marry for love. They married who their fathers felt were right for them, unless they were fortunate enough to have a father that would consent to a marriage based on love. It was rare though, because a good marriage brought status to the family at large.

When we take into consideration survival of the fittest, it made perfect sense for a woman to want to rise in stature, catch for herself a good older man, and have babies with him. That way she knew her babies would survive and grow up healthy because the man had the means to support them.

I am not trying to make light or even put down men here. I am speaking strictly from a psychological and social point of view and I am speaking from a psychosocial biological point of view. Yes, in case you are wondering there are researchers that do combine all three factors to make predictions about human behavior.

As we push forward to the 20th century we find that women started marrying later and 12-year-old brides were less common, finally legislation was enacted to set a legal age for marriage. It became commonplace to have couples marrying for love. Often these couples were pretty much of the same age with perhaps a 2 or to 7-year difference, but no longer a 20-year difference as seen in previous centuries. However the “social mores” of the 20th century still pretty much frowned upon older women dating younger men until recently.

Older women with younger men are dating in public from the Vegas strips to small town America while the rest of America look on and wonder why. Previously it was almost an unwritten taboo for an older woman to date a younger man. She would hold back her feelings because she felt it was unnatural to date a man that was young enough to be her son. She that her family, friends, and community would not accept the relationship or she felt it was religiously unacceptable, after all were not all the men in the bible at least 7 years older than their wives?

Many older men and women today are finding themselves in a situation where they are divorced and once again in the dating market.

Should age be a factor in modern dating?

Now here is the situation. Many women find it hard to find a man of their own age, because these men are either married, passed on, or chasing after women half their age. The truth of the matter also, is that women out number men two to one. If a woman found it hard to find a husband at 20, she finds it even harder at 60. Newsweek magazine published an article in 1987, which painted a pretty sad picture. They stated that women over the age of 35 would be captured by a terrorist quicker than getting married because of the shortage of men.

If the only men that seem to be interested are younger men, should the older woman go for it? Do these relationships work? Are the men in it for the long haul or are they only looking for sex? These are questions, which cross the minds of both the women involved and society at large?

Let’s examine some of the issues that society has placed on this kind of relationship. We will discover that some of the issues are valid and some are myths. Nevertheless, they are necessary to review so that women are aware of different possibilities of what could happen in the present or even somewhere down the line if they decide to consider a such a relationship.

The intentions of younger men myth or reality – Beware of the Wolves

Young men like to prey on older women

By preying I mean these men see older women as desperate and will take anything they can get and be happy for it. This way of thinking can lead to abuse.

They see older women starved for love, and you know, in some cases it may be true, some women have been alone so long and just like younger women they do have needs.

Young men see older women as sexual teachers

Some young men do see older women as more mature and sexually uninhibited. They buy into the notion that the older woman will be better in bed than women of their own age. Although this may be the case if the young man is barely 18, but when he is 30 and she is 60, this situation changes are she probably has nothing new to teach him. He might even be able to teach her a thing or two. Furthermore, it may have even more to do with libido than anything else. Because a woman is older it does not necessarily make her a sexual goddess.

Yet, you cannot really blame the young man for this notion, correct or otherwise. Hollywood the media, and the music industry have all contributed to this notion. We have the older woman in movie The Graduate, starring a very young Dustin Hoffman, and the much older Mrs. Robinson played by Anne Bancroft. We have Rod Stewart’s famous song Maggie May and more recently we have the marriage of Aston Kutcher and Demi Moore just to give a few examples.

Cleaning out the bank account

Still looking at the dangers that an older woman might come across in terms of men who are predators, we have the example of men marrying several older women at a time to wipe out their bank books. Though not rich like the celebrities, older women can be in a position where they do have money and valuables, either because they worked hard for years to get what they have or their husband’s who passed on, left them with the house, and other property, as well as a good life insurance settlement.

Sexual Boy Toy

Across North America, you can see many clubs where much younger men escort older women. These women do have money and pay for the every need of their men for favors exchanged.

Kept Men

Some men to not intend to wipe out the older women’s bank account and run off to the next women, but some do expect to be a kept man. Having a women with money, younger or older, really doesn’t make a difference to this type of man, not having to work and have a woman provide for your every financial need is what they are after.

Let us now put the possible negative aspects aside and see the possibility for older women and younger men having a wonderful relationship.

Is it wrong to have an older woman younger man relationship?

No relationship is wrong if it is right for you.

As long as there are two consulting adults, the relationship should have no bearing on what other people think, the relationship belongs to the older woman and younger man.

Current social norms should not have a bearing on true love. The great classic romances were based on forbidden love, you have Romeo and Juliet, and West Side Story, or accepted love such as that of the profit Muhammed and his older wife Khadijah and so on. Furthermore, society changes paradigms all the time, but you and your love one will be on this earth but once and therefore you have to make your decision now in this time and space.

Examine your motivation for dating or marrying

Do not date or marry a younger man only because you think he will take care of you in your old age. If you have nothing in common with him chances are your relationship will end in separation or divorce long before you are old enough to need some one to physically take care of you. Furthermore, the situation may be turned around and while you are older you may have to tend to his needs since people are suffering from heartaches and strokes at a much younger each.

Do not date or marry because you feel as an older woman your options are limited. You have to live your life with this person; you need to be with someone you love and are compatible with and that person has to someone who loves you back.

Do not buy his love; he if really loves you he will gladly give it. If you buy his love and then fall or hard financial times, he will soon take off for greener pastures.

Date or marry for the right reasons

Age is not the factor to consider as much as good marriages are. Do not obsess over the fact that one day you will lose your looks and his eye will turn elsewhere. Although it is true this may happen, it is equally true that you will drive him away a lot sooner if you become paranoid about it. If you become too clingy or accuse him of seeing younger women when there is no foundation for these accusations you risk the chance of driving him away.

What a couple needs to do to have a good relationship.

Regardless of age, every couple:

Must have things in common

Must be compatible mentality and physically (of course exceptions are made for sickness etc).

Must share the same lifestyle (not an older person who is a homebody and a younger man that wants to do the nightclub scene 7 days a week or vise versa)

If you date or marry for the right reasons, you will have just as much chance at a good relationship as any other relationship.

Sources: http://www.womens-homepage.com/shortage-of-men.html

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Comments (45)

Great topic. When I was 18-25 I wouldn't even date a woman my age or younger. Now here I am nearly 40 and I still will hardly even talk to any woman under 25. I like it that way because any woman who's even recently moved out of their parent's place are just too naive. Also, a lot of women have grown up under the 'treated like property' mentality and sadly, won't make a decision in life, w/o Mommy and Daddy's approval. Ironically I married a woman 5 years younger than me years ago and haven't stopped kicking myself in the a$$ for it since.

Great article... Nowadays, I'm a bit of a cynic...I'd say I would stick with the norm.. but there really is no normal these days... I'll just stick it out alone until Mr. Right drops down from heaven like Manna ... for the Israelites... nope.. won't happen. I can do bad all by myself without someone helping me get to the poor house...lol.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

Donald your mentality may be very well suited for an older woman, there are some great relationships to be had, but in the end it comes down to the couples, regardless of age, are they meant for each other.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

charlene I know what you mean, can you imagine you and me dating somebody younger than our own kids, lol

You know what? I get "hit" on all the time on Tagged...I just ignore them... some are in their 20s and 30s... I told one that my daughter was nearly 10 years older than him and just laughed at him. Can you imagine sitting down at a restaurant with someone that looks like they could be your kid? I've been with one 10 years younger than me, and I'll never do it again... I also was with one 6 years younger... and that wasn't so bad because we were of the same era.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

I get that crap online as well, these are the ones that think older women are desperate, or full of money to all to them, I don't bother with them either, but I do have one friend who is married to a man 13 years her younger and they are very much in love with a grown daughter already, he really is a good guy

Ooooohh what a fab article! As someone who could either go either way (meaning very much older or very much younger), I think it is about time something was written about it. Time for new rules..I think... Awesome job!

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

thank you Ngozi, I am so happy you like my article

My husband is 4 years younger than I am. Not the 60/30 relationship at all. As one gets older age differences seem less.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

Martha, 4 years is really nothing at all

My son is in grad school and I got hit when I took him to school. I was flattered, he was outraged, we both had a great laugh.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

Debra the same thing happened to me, what a coincidence

Michelle Rawlins

Change always comes with the passage of time. And over time, the needs of women and men have changed, and hence the needs they're looking to have fulfilled in a relationship. Change is inevitable. I say we must embrace it!

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

amen to that Michelle

Change is good if it's going with the nature. Anything against the nature will only end up in disaster. Well, is it really normal to date a older woman? I haven't given it a thought so far... so for now... can't give any decisive comment on this issue. A very good article though!

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

sourav, thank you so much for commenting on my artlcle my new friend, I am sure life in India is very different to Canadian and American society

kimberly brooks

I got to know pretty good things on this site. I have found same kind a site relevant to the topic.. Please, go through…http://www.finddatingsingles.com.au/blogs

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

thanks kimberly

Richard

Honestly, Love knows no age, no distance, No race, so that doesnt matter, plus age is is just a number, whats the point in beeing with your agemete whom u dont love????

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

Richard studies do show that too many of these marriages fail, not all but too many, you have to be well suited age is more than a number it also has to do with lifestyle and outlook on life. People who are 20 generally have different lifestyles and interests than people who are 60. So the younger and older partner have to be well matched in those areas. Marriage is hard for people who are the same age, as we can see with so many divorces, it is even harder on people with a big age difference and nothing much in common. So again these people have to be well suited for each other in terms of what we call mental age. And just think, if you are a 20 year who loves going out and dancing and doing all kinds of sports and you are married to a 60 years old that never leaves the house, you won't be very happy.

Jenn

I'm a 35 year old woman dating a 24 year old man for a liytle morr than a year now. UUm am twice divoreced with a teenage daughter and preschool aged son who my boyfreiend accepts and is wonderdul with. This is the best relationship of my adult luife because of all of the true love and bond of drp driendshipo we've developed. I never would have thouhgt I'd be in a relationship with a younger man, at lesat not 11 yes difddrence but I'm glad I was open to it because its wondreful and works for us.

Jenn

Sorry for all the typos, lol, the keys on my BlackBerry were sticking something fierce as I was trying to comment above. Let's try again: I'm a 35 year old woman dating a 24 year old man for a little more than a year now. I am twice divorced with a teenage daughter and preschool aged son whom my boyfriend accepts and is wonderful with. This is the best relationship of my adult life because of the true love and the bond of deep friendship we've developed. I never would have thouhgt I'd be in a relationship with a younger man, at least not 11 years difference, but I'm glad I was open to it because its wonderful and works for us.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

I am so happy that it is working out well for you. Jenn

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

Jenn don't worry about the typos, I make many of them too

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

Mathez

Is it good and normal to date and marry a lady who is 8 months older than me, whom I seriously love?

gopal

i looking for good lady for serious relationship--i am 39 male from hyderabad working in hospiality industry as manaher operations

(age no bar)

Very interesting discussion and debate.

An excellent topic, Carol. Provided women in question has money to burn just the same for cases of the older men with younger girls.

Many women are empowered now.They have jobs,properties and money.They can also enjoy lifestyle to match their tastes as the dominating males do.Societies can however,guide the partners to be fair.Predation of and greedy males and perversion of the females may be harmful for both partners as well for the societies.

Ranked #6 in 30s+ Dating

Great article, Carol, youve covered some nontraditional ground here. I've recently noticed that if you stroll through a senior housing complex, you'll find 100 old ladies who are alone, and one old man. The ladies are all widowed because they married men 10 years older. Voted and appreciated.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

thank you so much my friend

henry

i am henry and i need old woman for a good relationship, age is never a barrier, plz you can contact me at my email address, henry2009smart@yahoo.com

sturt

Hmmm this comment is great. Me I am really in this kind of relationship. I am a male of 26yrs old and my girlfriend is 35yrs old. At first I did not she is up to that age and uptill now I don't bother about it and I think since I have been dating its my best relationship ever. And I told my parent I want to marry her coz I feel happy and more relaxed when am with her mostly I love her so much because of how she cares for me and I always want to see her happy.

Even though she earns more than me I don't feel any differnce about it. Truely I am thinking to marry her coz I know she loves me too.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

thank you Sturt, I wish you all the best.

What a really great article.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

thanks so much martin

An Excellent topic and well written as well.

Ranked #2 in 30s+ Dating

thank yiou Sibt

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